“If I let someone down, they’ll think less of me.”
It’s a quiet thought and easy to miss, but powerful enough to shape careers, relationships, and self-worth.
For many high-achieving women, especially those in demanding fields like tech, finance, and healthcare, the need to be seen as competent often overlaps with the need to be seen as kind. You say yes to the extra project, smooth over tension in meetings, or stay late to help a colleague, not because you have no boundaries, but because deep down, disappointing someone feels dangerous.
This is the People-Pleaser Pattern of imposter syndrome, a way of managing anxiety through approval.
A Note on This Pattern
The People-Pleaser Pattern isn’t part of the original five imposter syndrome types identified by Valerie Young in The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women (2011): the Perfectionist, Soloist, Expert, Natural Genius, and Superwoman/Superman.
However, in my clinical work with high-achieving professionals, I often observe a sixth pattern: the tendency to seek approval as a way to feel safe and worthy.
Many trauma-informed clinicians recognize this as connected to what therapist Pete Walker describes as the “fawn response” in Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving (2013), a nervous-system adaptation in which appeasing others becomes a strategy for safety and belonging.
Including the People-Pleaser brings a more relational and trauma-informed lens to the framework, one that acknowledges how early survival patterns can shape imposter feelings in adulthood.
What the People-Pleaser Pattern Is
The People-Pleaser Pattern grows from the belief that love, safety, or belonging must be earned, that harmony is safer than honesty.
Many high-achievers learned early on that being agreeable brought praise and connection, while asserting needs brought rejection, criticism, or conflict.
Attachment research shows that children who earn affection through compliance often carry that pattern into adulthood.
At its core, people-pleasing isn’t about manipulation or superficial niceness. It’s about survival. It’s a nervous system strategy that says, “If everyone around me is okay with me, I’ll be okay too.”
In adulthood, this can look like being endlessly reliable, endlessly kind, and endlessly depleted.
How the People-Pleaser Pattern Shows Up
People-pleasing can look subtle from the outside but feels consuming on the inside.
You may recognize yourself in a few of these:
- Over-apologizing – saying “sorry” for things beyond your control or simply for existing.
- Hyper-attunement – scanning for signs of disappointment and rushing to smooth things over.
- Conflict avoidance – staying agreeable to keep the peace, even when it costs your authenticity.
- Overcommitment – saying yes from guilt, not genuine desire.
- Anxiety at boundaries – worrying you’ll seem unkind, selfish, or “not a team player.”
- Identity centered on niceness – defining worth through helpfulness and warmth.
Trained to anticipate, to soothe, to excel, yet quietly eroding from the effort.
Why People-Pleasing and Imposter Syndrome Feel So Hard to Change
For many high-achieving women, especially those navigating people-pleasing and imposter syndrome, the need to be seen as kind and competent can quietly drive exhaustion and self-doubt.
People-pleasing runs deep because it’s not just a habit; it’s a conditioned survival response.
Early Conditioning
Many people-pleasers learned in childhood that keeping others happy felt safest. Maybe love came with conditions. You were praised for being “easy” or “good,” but corrected when you had big feelings, opinions, or needs.
Over time, your nervous system equated approval with safety, a dynamic that polyvagal theory suggests is deeply wired into how we regulate connection and threat (Porges, 2011).
Gender and Cultural Expectations
Women, in particular, are often socialized to prioritize harmony, care, and self-sacrifice.
Cultural narratives glorify “niceness” and penalize assertiveness. Saying no or setting boundaries can feel not just uncomfortable, but wrong.
Research on gender dynamics shows that assertive women often face backlash, while compliance is rewarded as teamwork (Rudman & Glick, 2001; Eagly & Carli, 2007).
It’s no wonder so many high-achievers internalize that belonging depends on being agreeable.
Workplace Culture
In workplaces that reward agreeableness and overfunctioning, people-pleasing gets reinforced. You become the reliable one, the “go-to” person who gets things done without complaint.
On the surface, that reputation seems positive, but over time, it traps you.
You start to measure worth through others’ approval instead of your own integrity.
Trauma-Informed Perspective
From a trauma lens, people-pleasing often originates as a fawn response, the instinct to appease perceived threat through compliance (Walker, 2013).
For those who grew up in unpredictable or emotionally intense environments, keeping others calm felt synonymous with staying safe.
That pattern can persist long after the original threat is gone, showing up as over-accommodation in adulthood.
Why This Matters
People-pleasing doesn’t just drain your energy; it can also take a physical toll.
Chronic over-accommodation keeps the body in a state of low-grade stress, contributing to fatigue, tension headaches, insomnia, and even burnout-related health issues (Maslach & Leiter, 2016).
When you constantly shape yourself around others’ expectations, you disconnect from your own internal compass. You may look confident on the outside but feel hollow inside, wondering, “Do people actually like me, or just the version of me I perform?”
That chronic self-doubt reinforces imposter thoughts:
- “If they knew the real me, they wouldn’t think I’m so capable.”
- “If I stop helping, I’ll stop belonging.”
Approval can feel like proof of worth, but it’s a moving target. The more you chase it, the further away authentic confidence feels.
If exhaustion turns to resentment, or anxiety and physical symptoms persist despite “trying harder,” that’s a good time to seek professional support. Therapy can help you learn to set limits without losing compassion.
How to Begin Shifting the People-Pleaser Pattern
You don’t have to become less kind or less cooperative to heal this pattern.
The goal isn’t to stop caring. It’s to care more consciously, in ways that include yourself.
- Pause Before Saying Yes
When someone asks for your time or energy, take a breath. Ask yourself:
“Am I saying yes because I want to, or because I’m afraid of disappointing them?”
That tiny pause helps you respond intentionally rather than automatically.
- Practice Small “No’s”
You don’t have to start with the big things. Try gentle boundaries first: declining an extra task, delaying a reply, or expressing a preference.
These small no’s build tolerance for the discomfort that comes with prioritizing yourself.
- Notice the Guilt Spiral
Guilt often shows up when you stop overextending. Instead of taking guilt as a sign you’ve done something wrong, view it as evidence that you’re doing something different.
Self-compassion research by Dr. Kristin Neff suggests that discomfort during growth is normal; it means your nervous system is adjusting, not failing.
- Reframe Kindness
Kindness doesn’t mean compliance. True kindness includes honesty, even when that honesty disappoints someone else.
Ask yourself: “Is this kindness for them, or at the expense of me?”
- Reconnect with Internal Validation
Begin noticing when you seek reassurance or approval. Ask: “What do I need to hear from myself right now?”
As Brené Brown often says, shame thrives in silence; self-validation is the antidote.
- Build Safety in Relationships
Practice vulnerability with people who can meet you there. Let trusted colleagues or friends see your limits, your fatigue, or your uncertainty.
Healthy support retrains your nervous system to associate honesty over performance, with belonging.
- Work on Nervous System Regulation
People-pleasing is a body-based response as much as a cognitive one. Practices like deep breathing, grounding, or EMDR therapy can help you tolerate the physical sensations (tight chest, racing thoughts) that arise when you assert yourself.
Why It’s So Hard to Stop Being “Nice”
Many high-achievers worry that if they stop being accommodating, they’ll become cold or selfish. But the opposite is true. Boundaries protect your empathy; they don’t diminish it.
People-pleasing drains the very qualities such as warmth, compassion and reliability, that make you effective.
When you overextend, resentment builds and connection suffers.
Authentic relationships can only form when both people’s needs matter.
As one client put it during a breakthrough moment in therapy:
“I realized I was giving people the version of me they liked, not the version that was real.”
That moment marked the beginning of change, from approval-seeking to authenticity.
Healing People-Pleasing and Imposter Syndrome Patterns
Healing doesn’t mean flipping a switch. It’s a gradual process of rewiring, learning that conflict isn’t catastrophe, and that someone else’s disappointment isn’t proof of your inadequacy.
Therapy can help uncover the deeper fears behind the pattern: fear of rejection, abandonment, or being seen as “too much.”
EMDR and other trauma-informed approaches help the body experience safety even when you’re not accommodating others.
With practice, you start to internalize a new message:
“I can be caring and still say no. I can be kind and still be firm. I can be loved and still disappoint someone.”
That’s not selfish. It’s secure.
Closing Thoughts
The People-Pleaser Pattern isn’t weakness; it’s care turned outward, sometimes to your own detriment.
The goal isn’t to stop caring; it’s to include yourself in that care.
When you begin to trust that you’re worthy even without constant approval, you reclaim your energy, your authenticity, and your joy.
Series Note
This post is Part 4 of my Imposter Syndrome Series.
- Part 1: Why Smart, Competent Women Still Feel Like Frauds
- Part 2: The Perfectionist’s Dilemma: Success Without Satisfaction
- Part 3: The Soloist Pattern: Why High-Achievers Avoid Support (and How to Shift It)
- Next up (Part 5): The Expert Trap: Why “Never Knowing Enough” Keeps You Stuck
References
- Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly. Gotham Books.
- Eagly, A. H., & Carli, L. L. (2007). Through the Labyrinth: The Truth About How Women Become Leaders.Harvard Business Press.
- Maslach, C., & Leiter, M. P. (2016). Burnout and the workplace. Annual Review of Psychology, 67, 397–422.
- Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion and psychological well-being. Self and Identity, 2(3), 223–250.
- Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory. W. W. Norton.
- Rudman, L. A., & Glick, P. (2001). Prescriptive gender stereotypes and backlash toward agentic women. Journal of Social Issues, 57(4), 743–762.
- Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. Azure Coyote Publishing.
- Young, V. (2011). The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women: Why Capable People Suffer from the Impostor Syndrome and How to Thrive in Spite of It. Crown Business.
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Beautifully written. The way you integrate the fawn response into the conversation about imposter syndrome adds a whole new level of depth. It’s such an important reminder that over-functioning often comes from early patterns of safety, not weakness.
Thanks so much, Heather – I’m so glad that resonated. Yes, so often what looks like “over-functioning” on the surface began as an adaptive response to stay safe or connected. Naming that with compassion can be such a powerful turning point.
Excellent post, Dorlee! A pattern learned early on and unfortunately, for most people, not unlearned as we mature into adulthood. Neural pathways that remain fixed even as we gain knowledge and core strengths. In the workplace, while this gets us seen as nice and helpful, it frequently does not go toward being seen as a leader, affecting raises and promotions. Also, the “yes” person who will always do what’s asked is so busy working they don’t get to create the internal networks (“schmoozing”) they need to get ahead. Rather than serving as a safety factor, it may in effect leave them more vulnerable and frustrated.
Thanks so much, Ronnie. You captured the dynamic beautifully – how early safety strategies like people-pleasing can become career roadblocks later on. It’s such a paradox: what once kept us safe can quietly keep us small. Helping high-achievers untangle that pattern is some of the most rewarding work I do.
THE ART OF SAYING NO
BY FRIEDA L. FERRICK.
A great poet,
Naomi Shihab Nye
wrote about
the art of disappearing
that very real need
of not being there
for others to find
I would rather learn
the art of saying NO!
No, I don’t want
to go on that trip,
no, I am not available
on that day,
No, I don’t have time
to work on that project
For what I am really needing
and thinking is this,
I want more alone time
I don’t want to disappear
as I did when I was younger,
now I want to be present
I want to be authentic
I want to be able
to say no
and not be apologetic
and not retrack from
that statement
As the years tick on by,
I am beginning
to be a better student
of this art of saying no
and I must say,
I like it!
Frieda, thanks so much for sharing your beautiful poem, The Art of Saying No. It’s such a healing counterpoint to the “art of disappearing.” You capture, with such tenderness, the deeper truth behind boundaries: saying no isn’t rejection, it’s relationship with oneself.
For so many quiet achievers, presence has long been equated with over-giving. Your poem beautifully reframes this, reminding us that authenticity and connection can only flourish when we stop abandoning ourselves in the name of care.
Dorlee: I love this post and can relate with virtually every one of the points.
What I think I love most is how you described how ‘boundaries can protect empathy’, and how you described starting with smaller boundaries to retrain a tendency to overextend your mind, body and soul beyond what’s healthy.
That you can maintain your value of being a ‘nice’ person while learning also to be nice to yourself. I believe most people who may initially express disappointment when you have to say ‘no,’ or ‘no, not now’ will ultimately respect your boundaries. And honestly, if they do not, then maybe this is a good way to trim the people out who are ‘not’ empathetic friends/colleagues.
Finally, the deep-breathing exercise you described to help mitigate stress responses as we navigate the oft-choppy waters of relationship expectations is perfect; I breathed deeply when reading that section of your article.
What a wonderful gift you have of mentoring, coaching, providing therapy, etc., that not only quells anxiety, but empowers hope, performance and overall lifestyles!
Thanks so much for your thoughtful insights, Jacqui. I love how you phrased “boundaries can protect empathy.” That really captures the heart of this work. So often, people-pleasers fear that saying no will make them less kind, when in truth, it’s what allows their care to remain genuine instead of coming from depletion.
You make such an important point about how people respond to our “no’s.” Those who value us for who we are, not just what we do, usually adjust and come to respect those limits. And for those who don’t, their reaction often tells us something about the balance (or imbalance) in the relationship.
I’m so glad the breathing exercise resonated with you. Re-grounding the body is often the missing piece for people-pleasers. We can know it’s okay to have needs, but until the nervous system feels safe, it’s hard to act differently.